roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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