Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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