I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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