Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
