My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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