Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
