They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
They took my balls.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
