I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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