i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Your penis caused this!
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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