You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
