i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I need to calm my uterus...
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
