Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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