I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
