my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
