Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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