I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
