i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
