I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
