respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
vagina is talking i cant
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
