Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
