you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I want her autograph on my taint
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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