I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
