Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
