You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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