look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
