she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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