I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
