So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
it glows. i had to have it.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
The uberlube is also flammable
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
