You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
