she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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