i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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