fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
