he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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