Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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