Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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