i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
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You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
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The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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