i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
