your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Are my feet made of real feet?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
This can only be settled by a dance off.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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