Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
