Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
