Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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