I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I touched a dick in church today
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
