I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
