I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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