Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
