Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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