So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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