U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
