I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
