I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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