I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The uberlube is also flammable
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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