1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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