how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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