the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Are we in a gay sports bar?
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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