Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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