Where did you get a picture of my penis
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
