A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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