you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
