I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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