Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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