Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
