I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
My penis needs a shock collar
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
